Cheerpleading

Tonics for our times

While the dissemination of practical, real-world life tips has never been a particular focus of this here communications vehicle, it has come to my attention that some of you may be somewhat bummed by the state of the city/county/country/world these days, and this we cannot have. Bummitude expands if not caught early. Therefore, I have dipped into my deep well of stuff that cheers me up, and curated for you a sampler in the fervent hope that, should your enthusiasm and optimism for whatever reason flag, you can use it to cheer your ass up. Here goes.

• If you have a baby, put it in a stroller and take it for a walk, for few things will attract more happy attention than a baby. If you don’t have a baby handy, however, and sometimes even if you do, it can be fun to push non-baby items around, what with surprise triggering the dopamine rush that so often leads to human joy and laughter. The world is pretty much your oyster when it comes to deciding what to put in your stroller, though I’d stay away from the religious or political. Maybe go seasonal, like a pumpkin for Halloween, a Butterball for Thanksgiving, and a strapped-in live rabbit for Easter. But deciding is half the fun, so find your bliss and shove it around in a stroller. Bonus cheer if you can throw your voice.

• Get one of those big, puffy, old-fashioned feather dusters, go out into your front yard and proceed to comprehensively dust whatever you can reach. Flowers, tree trunks, garden gnomes, etc. If you don’t have a yard, a local park will do. Hopefully someone will stroll by, and likely one of two things will happen: either they’ll provide you with a non-verbal reaction that once you amass enough to constitute a statistically significant sample could yield some novel insight into the human condition, or they’ll ask you what the hell you’re doing, in which case you should prepare whatever response works for you in such a circumstance. “They get so dusty out here, the little buggers,” has historically been my reply, often with a rueful smile and shake of the head. But again, part of the fun is making it your own. And even if no one comes by, it’s so silly it’s its own reward.

• Twice a week, wear only pastels.

• Take your car to one of those coin-operated vacuums and suck up all the detritus from your seats, floorboards, cup holders, and that ledge under the hood and just below the windshield that somehow manages to collect a river of leaves and sticks. It’s nearly impossible not to feel good after a solid outing with one of those suckers, especially if you space out your visits or have children.

• Some snails can sleep for three years straight. Some turtles can breathe through their butts. Some people think you can’t have too many fun animal facts. Owls swallow their prey whole because they have no teeth, then after 12 hours they cough up the feathers, bones, and fur in a football-shaped pellet. A shrimp’s heart is in its head. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. Crocodiles swallow stones to help them dive deeper. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. Tardigrades, also known as water bears or moss piglets, are extremely durable microscopic animals that exist almost everywhere. They can survive any of the following: from 300 degrees above to 458 degrees below zero Fahrenheit, the vacuum of space, pressure six times stronger than the ocean floor, and more than a decade without food. What a bunch of martyrs.

• I worked in and around the museum world for almost 30 years, and likely the weirdest exhibit I ever worked on was a toy safety exhibit for the American Tort Law Museum, in founder Ralph Nader’s hometown of Winsted, Connecticut. They get way weirder, and while you may not want to go all the way to West Chester, Pennsylvania, to see the Antique Ice Tool Museum—although you could also squeeze in a visit to the American Helicopter Museum and Education Center while you’re there—you can get an awful lot from some of their websites. Like the Poozeum in Williams, Arizona, which is dedicated to the study of coprolites, or fossilized poop. Its website features images of fossilized farts, which I will describe no further except to say that you should look at them the moment you finish reading this all the way to the end. There are 10 Bigfoot museums in the US. Sadly, the North American Bigfoot Center in Boring, Oregon, has a website that suits its place name. Happily, the Bigfoot Crossroads of America in Hastings, Nebraska, was “started by a curious collector and is now a place for believers and skeptics alike,” and I think if people on both sides of the Sasquatch divide can come together, red and blue America should be able to as well.

• If, like me, you live in a city with an area where tourists tend to gather, go and spend a couple hours wandering around offering to take photos of them. It makes them unaccountably happy, and you can’t help but get some of it on you.

• Spend a morning musically narrating your every activity. Spend an afternoon watching Season 1 of Rick and Morty. Spend an evening ranking your favorite pieces of furniture, appliances, and kitchen gadgets. Spend 24 hours speaking of yourself in the third person.

• Write resumés for your favorite Sesame Street characters, which will not only be fun but helpful as I think they’ll all soon be out of work.

• Grab a bunch of markers, some decent paper and scissors, stickers, glitter, and glue sticks if you got ‘em, set yourself up in a pleasant spot and do yourself an art project. Make a set of friends and family trading cards, complete with hobbies, favorite sayings, and most accessible insecurities. Make and send a birthday card for someone whose birthday is nine months away. Make a sign you find amusing, or steal one from Etsy, for example: “My housekeeping style is best described as ‘There appears to have been a struggle’.”

Hopefully that’s enough for now. These are challenging times for those who default toward optimism, and much energy must be directed toward making sure the good guys prevail. But silliness is important. It nourishes the psyche, refreshes the soul, and most importantly, makes me laugh.