Donald Trump Reimagines Some Of His Favorite National Anthems

For maximum enjoyment/gnashing of teeth, listen to the audio version, with its decent singing and decidedly sub-par guitar playing. But you do you.

Today’s offering, while musical in orientation, is not something I’d want to call music, mostly because I think music might get mad at me, and who needs that with everything else that’s going on—and by now only babies, most toddlers, and our four-footed friends don’t know what I mean by that. I made a promise to myself that this would be my last Trump-centered scribble for a while, but this one seemed mandatory because sometimes, when faced with circumstances like these, in addition to all the other things that one should be doing for the resistance and one’s family and one’s friends and one’s community and the world, one needs to vent the dark, often childish humor from whence it resides within one’s soul or, like a hard-boiled egg that spends the entire summer in a hot car, it won’t be good for anybody. Unless of course you don’t have any dark, childish humor, in which case get a load of mine. And remember, these were written by my brain while trying to understand his brain, so if there’s something you don’t like it’s not my fault.

Let’s start with our neighbors to the north. As a hockey fan I’ve become very familiar with and fond of this song over the years, but apparently not so fond that I won’t subject it to an orange-tinged, sociopathic reinterpretation.

O Canada

O Canada

Our newest, greatest state

You’re awfully cold

And many of you skate

We need your oil and aluminum

For gas to drive and foil to cook

When we’re done taking

What we want that’s yours

It’ll suck to be a Canuck

We’ll abuse your land

Till there’s nothing left

O Canada we’ll render you bereft

O Canada there’ll be no end to our theft

And now, we cross the pond to the site of some of Trump’s most shameful moments, France.

La Marseillaise

I don’t like walking in the rain

Or visiting graves of soldiers who suck

But Macron has such girly soft hands

I like to shake them even though he’s a schmuck

I like to shake them even though he’s a schmuck

For crying out loud, he married an old broad

But France, you make my favorite fries

And have the hottest babes among allies

Though your leaders are a bunch of commies

Le Pen is who I like

Though word is she’s a dyke

Oh Frenchy frogs get ready for

Our Yankee demagogues

While we’re in the neighborhood, let’s cross the English Channel and the EU border to what is, at present, an ironically named nation, the United Kingdom.

God Save The Queen (to the tune of My Country Tis Of Thee)

God people are such chumps

Now what was theirs is Trump’s

Of me I sing

Say something I don’t like

I’ll use my MAGA mike

To make it so your life is like

Not worth living

Folks from the British Isles

Are like Frasier’s brother Niles

Sticks up their ass

Never much liked your queen

Called me a Philistine

Musk told me that was really mean

So Brits go eat ground glass

And now last, and of late certainly least, let’s recross the pond to yet another ironically named nation: the United States of America.

Star Spangled Banner

Pay attention to me

Cuz my mom never did

I’m so damn insecure

I need my ass constantly kissed

Good thing MAGA minions love mine

So much they’ll all wait in line

I’m America’s first king

And that makes my rump royal

Wait, is this anthem supposed to be

About the land of the once free

Let’s put America first

Long as it’s far behind me

O say watch me hump that Star Spangled Banner till its frayed

With Melania as my wife, it’s the only way I’ll get laid

Thank you for going anthem off-roading with me.